why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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