My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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