I wish they made helmets for livers.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
