Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
