I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
