I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
