I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
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I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
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