Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I cut my penus on the lid.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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