you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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