Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just forgot I was standing up.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
