first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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