Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
