SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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