It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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