If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
