I faked an abortion last night.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
