My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Randomize
