I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
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you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
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An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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