Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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