I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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