After last night, I could never be a politician.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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