This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
