$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
