I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
