we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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