guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
