I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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