just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
