I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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