I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
