You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
