I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
