He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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