Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Randomize
