Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
