i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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