you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
