I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
