I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just gargled with NyQuil
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
