I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I did not marry a roomba.
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