Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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