dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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