I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
