Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
