i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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