I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize