saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
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I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
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If this party got busted it would be an improvement
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."