Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?