Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
