He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
