I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
