I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
