He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
