Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
