When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
