You really coming over, don't trick.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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